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Chaos

Chaos. I suppose that's where this story begins and ends. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed chaos. Of not quite knowing how the story ends. It's something about me, something immutable, something unchanging, my desire for chaos. It is undoubtedly why I am fascinated by tactical games, which force one to manipulate chance. Perhaps too it is the root of my tendency to enjoy AI programming since it often gives such unexpected results. It is a form of creation that is almost non-sensical, a form of building which relies on manipulation of the abstract and the intangible as much as it does on knowledge and mathmatics. There is something interesting there and, perhaps, shows an area for discovery.

I think, perhaps, what bothers me the most is that even passively I am blamed. I haven't had much to do recently, the renovations in my basement have left we even without a desk, much less a table on which I could deploy models or a couch to play computer games. So largely for the last month or so I haven't bothered call anyone because it is rude to invite yourself over and I have no ability to extend such invitations. And then work began and life has been a little bit hectic with occasionaly quiet parts and slowly the depression sinks in when you realize that your friends don't phone you and life goes on I suppose. I'm playing DnD with the Head Clerk and Red and Avatar's still around (though you wouldn't know it, though maybe I can convince him to come over this weekend now that I have couches again) and for the first time in a long time I'm relaxed with the people I'm spending time with. I don't have to worry about how I act or how I appear or whether I forget to reply to Red (though I should avoid doing that and probably be more organized there in general). I think it's kinda neat that Kel is having his birthday at the Blarney Stone and he wants me to go and even though i don't know if I will or not I know that no matter what I choose it won't change what he thinks of me. Maybe that's the biggest thing for me, that I don't feel any pressure to perform or appear. That I can just be around and do what I feel like and no one will think less of me. I like these guys and its nice to have friends who go out a little bit and stay home a little bit and know similar songs and similar games and similar shows and who I can just hang out with.

I don't really know what the bottom line is here. I'm tired of Mr.Freeem feeling like I'm out to get him. Tired of one minute being fine with Britts and do what I want and next under fire and blamed. Apparently I can ignore him for a month (as stated above, I haven't phoned anyone for a while since I have had neither time nor location) and immediately become Britts most hated enemy and his least trusted friend just that easily. I'm sick of hearing about Mr.Medieval blaming me (for fucks sakes, I fucking asked him. And he said no. And Mr.Freeem says i need to understand undercurrents and people and what goes unsaid. Have you met me? How much skill do I have for fucking people?) for things that happened years ago. But whatever. Maybe the line is something like he looks back and has to blame failure on something other then himself. Or maybe he regrets saying no and has glossed over it, as we are want to do in remembrance. Or maybe he honestly believed I understood people. I don't really know. I care, I would like to know, but I doubt I will ever find an honest answer. I think maybe its a shame here that I can honestly say I will probably miss Mr.Nintendo more, or even French, because at least I knew where I stood with them. At least French tried to go out and live, even if he couldn't find anyone else to do it with. And to him I would say that I would go with him, because it's worth going out and looking around, even if you don't find anything. And to Mr.Nintendo I would say that at least he knew what he wanted in life and knew what would make him happy, even if it never did make sense to the rest of us. At least he knew how he wanted his story to end. And he knew too that a little chaos never hurt.


I don't know. I guess I'm just tired of second guessing myself. How every action will be angrily turned against me. I'm sick of hearing I was rude to Britts because I was doing math in my head and trying to manage a bloody game of DnD and said something like sure, create a character, because I honestly didn't care if she played or not but was focused on what I was currently doing. And clearly the correct reaction was to immediatly stop the game and assist her in character creation rather then wait for a natural break (I hope you can all still detect sarcasm). And perhaps the astute among you will say things like "but didn't you point this out", or "there must be more to this story". And I did point these things out. And perhaps there is more to this story. But when someone is construed against you they rarely listen to a reasoned argument and i can only understand the story from my own point of view. And we will have to accept that it is unlikely i will be able to accurately predict why anyone does anything. But this perhaps, is where the problem lies. When you give reasoned arguments and then your friends say no, you're wrong and give as weak of replies as you gave them. The Lady is right, in some sense, that often such communication made me more depressed then it helped, made it even less likely that something would be repaired then it was before. And so she go angry and it became about bullying and forcing and name calling which really made little sense but then most of this has made little sense. Much of it is just little details, thrown together like matches and then lit to create a blaze more powerful then the sum of its fuel.

However, this is relatively pointless. I could analyze every detail and point out how the Lady's actions are almost always reactionary, could point out that really Mr.Freeem does not make a strong case for himself by pitching that she was once good but now she is terribly and forcing the world. I think, perhaps, I may have left, for it wouldn't be the first time I considered leaving The Lady, but careful thought very happily prevailed. He tends to be over the top, which is his undoing, and perhaps that really is the difficulty in all this. I could say that I do miss Britts, sometimes, when the world is confused, when perhaps just a story about a different life where the world is still dark and grey could remind me that I am not the only one with pains. But perhaps there too lies some of the problem, where perhaps we are better off to read satire and fantasy and dream of brighter days. I strongly remember reading Platform 9 and a Half when I was depressed before, and dreaming of that island. And perhaps that helped with the depression more then any reminder that the world is a cold dark place. And I could say too, perhaps, that I miss sitting in that basement sometimes, playing video games and simply being. But that life is gone now, lost, and I can easily blame others but to some extent I can also blame myself for inactivity and lack of understanding.

So life goes on. Mr.Freeem will undoubtedly still be around, and I have a floor and tables again so he can come here if he wishes. I couldn't go to his house anyways, the Lady won't let me go without her, perhaps another spike which left alone could have festered, but something too that would never have happened with more thinking. And since he won't have anything to do with her it seemed unlikely that would ever happen. And so I will be okay, I think, with a bit of warhammer with Avatar and Mr.Freeem when he is around and fit enough to get to this house without a car. And there are other things to look forward to, like meeting Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman and DnD at Red's and soccer in the rain. And there is a nice desk with a macbook and a beautiful computer monitor on it where I can write scripts and code learning algorithms and write programs which create people to my hearts content.

I think that's it, really. I'm just sick of being blamed. So what if I made some bad decisions? Haven't we all. I'm sorry that you think that you can force everyone to get along and have a perfect group, but maybe we all need to look long and hard and what were doing and are actions.

I need some sleep, though I probably won't get any. It bothers me that I worry about taking the lady with me to DnD. We shall see, I suppose. We shall see. Goodnight

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